I’ve been gone a while. I thought my life was over, literally. I gave away most of my stuff and assumed I wouldn’t see any of my stuff again. But I’m back in the free world, I’ve moved to Florida…living with my mother again for the moment {sigh}. And after helping someone out, I received this Thank You card, which is what inspired me to post, because I’d like to memorialize these types of events.
It was good to hear from you again, even though your comments were a bit aggressive. I’ll respond to them eventually. There’s some truth to what you have shared and I hopefully will share more about what God is doing in my life. But there are many things you said in your comments that I will challenge and I’ll share why.
Sorry I haven’t seen you in so long. My customer that was up in your neck of the country had sold their business to another larger firm that didn’t need my services, so I don’t have any “business” reason to come up there.
Let me know if you need Marian’s contact info, but based on some of the things you’ve said, it sounds like you have been talking to her.
So I’m literally in hiding at the moment. Lots of stuff going on in my head and blogging seems like a good distraction.
So what am I hiding from? Emotional conflict I guess. Marian and I have been separated for a year now. Our efforts at reconciliation (counseling, communication) have made things worse. We haven’t talked for months, and last week I get an email from her. She informs me that she is coming up to take furniture and books and stuff. It’s got me a bit emotional because she is taking the bed I sleep on and I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of the library. My request that she delay this or come to some kind of compromise (like trading another bed for the bunk beds that she wants) fell on deaf ears, and I truly believe this is some act of revenge or spite for her.
I wrestled with how to respond, but decided that I’m not going to stand in her way, and then ultimately I decided to get out of the house before she gets here lest our meeting turns into something I want to avoid (conflict, emotional outbursts, painful sarcasm on my part, etc).
When I decided to leave the house, I was too indecisive about where to actually go. Thought about driving to Florida to visit friends and family there. Thought about driving to Tennessee. A friend from church insisted I was welcome at his house. On Friday I went to the Relapse Theatre and figured I’d get a hotel for that first night while deciding what to do. Found a cheap hotel online and booked for two nights, figured I could sleep in without worrying about check out time, and assumed I’d still be too indecisive and never really go anywhere anyway.
So here’s where God makes life interesting. This hotel, selected via Kayak.com for brand recognition and price has an interesting view out my window
Of the Pink Pony
Really. Good thing I don’t struggle with sexual temptations? I’m in a hotel alone. No one knows where I am. I could be indulging in pornography right now. Or just go across the street and take this battle I face to a whole new level. But neither interest me. I realize just how empty the results would be. Instead, I’m facing the heart ache of the loss of my marriage and all I can think about is being physically with another woman right now. In other words, while my “usual” temptation is here and available, I’m instead being tempted to pursue an actual sexual encounter. In my stay here, I’ve crossed some dangerous lines by perusing the Craigslist personals and (let me get this off my chest) – I actually sent emails to some. I had a girl send me a nude photo along with a phone number.
Ouch. So does God really keep us from temptation beyond we can bear?
I guess so. I fell to my knees in repentance for the lines I did cross. I begged God to intervene somehow and offer some form of distraction for the evening besides watching TV (because that doesn’t help). I heard nothing back from God. I was hungry. I gave up. I decided to walk around the neighborhood to find something to eat and I really wasn’t confident that I would avoid the nearby entertainment.
As I stepped out of the hotel, my phone chirped with an email. I had posted my own ad on Craigslist (under strictly platonic) just to see if anyone would be interested in a dinner and a movie (in hopes of avoiding the TV and other temptations). Although I had received tons of spam as a result, this moment a real human being responded and I do believe it was God’s timing.
I don’t know if the girl I met is ever going to read this, but I’m going to talk about her anyway. She made it clear in her email that she wasn’t going to have sex (and probably doesn’t realize how grateful I am for this), and she wasn’t up for a movie, just dinner and conversation. We agreed to meet at Atlantic Station and I got there way ahead of her. I feel like admitting – I was totally expecting someone, well, someone like Susan Boyle. Who else would need to find company via Craigslist and be willing to meet up with someone without exchanging pictures or even chatting long enough to know anything about another person. Turns out she was very gentle on the eyes, and very gracious about my shyness (we had numerous akward moments of silence and I’d apologize for not knowing what to say, but she’d go right on telling me more about herself).
Faith did come up in our discussion a bit. It turns out she’s quite the aetheist and I feel so relieved that I didn’t do anything that I would regret, and therefore was able to invite her to Buckhead Church guilt free. Don’t know if she’ll ever go or not, but we’ll see. I’m praying for her and a few other people that I have met recently via Craigslist.
I still have the heartache. Tomorrow I go home and find out just how much less stuff I own. I am even as I write longing for an intimacy like I once had with Marian. But I’m able to channel this towards my prayers as I declare to the Father that I trust him to meet my needs.
Thank you Lord for your patience with me and keeping me sexually pure for another day.
Now I finally understand why there was a baby floating in space in that other film.
This song has been stuck in my head since the first time I’ve heard it. So I paid the $0.99 to have it on my iPod and it didn’t take long to make it to my “Top 25 Most Played”, usually dominated by Newsboys and Charlie Hall. If I had anyone romantically involved in my life right now I would definitely dedicate this song to her, after all, I always bought my girl the 2-ply.
And the underwear at Goodwill is nice!
Mr. Yankovic, your lyrics are awesome and your music has always been able to lift my spirits. Thanks!
So I finally found a friend morbid enough to join me at The Sixth Sense Exhibit (“Now without skin”). What a challenge. We bought the 4:00 pm tickets. It took about 25 minutes to drive from Cumming to downtown Atlanta, about an hour for the last two miles of the drive, and I won’t talk about how long it took to park lest someone turn this post into a country song.
Add to that I never eat breakfast, skipped lunch because I was running late, and it took over an hour of waiting in line outside in the cold, uphill, both ways…point is, I was hungry by 6:30 when we finally made it inside the exhibit. As a result, I was less concerned about how naked and anatomically correct all these men are that donated their bodies to, uhmmm, science? Instead I noticed how much it looked like skeletons covered in steaks. So for those of you keeping track at home, you can now add “cannibalism” to the list of everything that’s wrong with me. No, I didn’t actually eat anyone, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit the thought crossed my mind. And yes, I did order steak when we finally got to the restaurant afterwards.
But it seems hard to accept. I suspect brain damage.
I know someone who believes in me, who sees me as the beneficiary of God’s master plan and complex design, who knows the greatest of sins of my past but can see the good that defines me.
I know someone who is ashamed of me, who sees the sins of my past and wants to stay as far away as possible, who assumes the worst when they do not understand my motives or actions, who doesn’t feel as though I’ve yet experienced enough shame and condemnation.
I know the difference between a truth and a lie. But the lies feel so much more real.
I’m writing this with my eyes closed, so I apologize for any typos or errors. Or maybe there won’t be any because I won’t see when I’ve accidentally clicked to another window and am typing for nothing.
My blog stats are at 0 now. I shut down the blog earlier and told no one that it is back. I deleted many posts, and I disabled search engines from indexing the site. Any friends and family that used to read this assume it’s still gone and haven’t read the most recent posts (or they’ve gone through the effort to keep WordPress from logging their visits, as my stats are literally showing 0 visits). All this to say, I have no idea why I’m posting at all. You are probably reading this weeks or years after the fact. And if you are still reading, you probably have too much free time, get back to work!
God is so incredible. Want proof? Watch this vid:
http://iamsecond.com/#/seconds/Nate_Larkin/
I am adding iamsecond.com to my links list.
