Life
As alluded to in the previous post, I’m going to start discussing a topic I have been avoiding for quite some time. It’s not that I’ve ever shied away from discussing pornography with anyone, I’ve just been uncertain on whether or not I wanted Google in on the discussion.
I haven’t exactly been bragging to my clients about how my wife and I are separated. But the other day I was at one of my client’s home and we were talking about family, church, and life in general and I confided that my marriage has been struggling and we’re currently separated. He was quite shocked and asked probing questions because he thought Marian and I were strong Christians and was curious how she could even be considering a divorce. The fact is, Marian believes that pornography = adultery = divorce OK. (I don’t agree with this and may expound on this in a future post).
Everyone who reads this blog because you know me and Marian haven’t learned anything new here, but to those who found me through more random means, now you know more about why Marian and I have been separated and why I’ve been posting about Job and other topics while still being somewhat vague. And just for you, here’s the short bio relative to this topic.
I discovered pornography at an extremely young age [no] thanks to family members. I shared my find with a close friend who then taught me about masturbation because I wasn’t smart enough to think of such things on my own. That started an addiction that I have never been able to control long before my marriage, long before puberty even.
I imagine this is no huge revelation to people. Most of the guys I’ve talked to are struggling with the same problem and most of the women I know assume this about every guy. Even so, it’s funny how little people ever want to talk about it (myself included). Then there are those like xxxchurch.org that I think talk a bit too much about it and seem to be rather obsessive.
But anyway, secret is out and I will be sharing more along the lines of what God is doing in my life and how he is bringing me to victory over all sin and into a transformed and sin free life.
Excerpt from “Pornography and the Church”
by Larry E. Ball
“The church must declare war on this evil sin. It is beginning to do so. ‘What was once tolerated as merely a weakness in men is now being treated as adultery. Not only is it being treated as adultery, but it is being treated as adultery that may very well rise to the level that justifies a Biblical divorce. In other words, men, if you get caught in the cesspool of pornography, the church may very well determine that your wife has a right to sue you for divorce, even if you have never physically touched another woman. This ought to be alarming to any Christian man.
Many years ago, I was taught in seminary that the only grounds for divorce was sexual unfaithfulness that involved actual physical relations with someone other than the man’s wife (not getting into the issue of desertion here). After studying the Scriptures and being in the pastorate for over thirty years, I have since changed my mind. I am convinced now that a man can be so addicted to pornography that it may be in a class of adultery that rises to a level that justifies divorce without a man ever even touching another woman. The word “mastered” might be a more appropriate Biblical term, but recognizing some validity to modern psychological terms, I have chosen to use the word “addicted.” Men may temporarily fall into this sin, but this is not addiction. Addiction is habitual and controlling. It is parallel to being a drug addict. Deliverance is seldom attained. Indeed, it is my position that the wife may be justified in seeking a divorce through the ecclesiastical courts of the church if her husband is under this habitual and reigning power. Today, contrary to a number of years ago, she may very well win her case.
It should also be noted that addiction to pornography seldom occurs in isolation. Usually it is attached with other sins such as deceit, financial mismanagement, and even on occasion physical abuse. These just add to the burden that the wife has to endure, usually silently and secretly. These sins must be distinguished from addiction to pornography, but seldom can they be separated from pornography. Addiction to pornography does not only bring defilement to the marriage bed, but it also brings destruction and devastation to all the other facets of marriage.
Many Christian women have had to live with husbands addicted to pornography for years. They do not know what to do. They need help and they are afraid to reach out to the church. I am afraid that the church by its silence has been sending a message to these women that they need to “Stand By Your Man.” Must the wives of men in the church be asked to live with a man addicted to pornography? When such addiction rises to the degree that it is impossible for the wife to receive her “due benevolence,” what shall she do? ‘When the one flesh union is broken and the marriage bed is defiled, then does the wife have a Biblical basis for divorce? These are difficult questions and the truth is often in the details, but the church is now being called upon to deal with these issues in a Biblical manner.
The decision to pursue divorce by any wife must be taken with all seriousness. It should not be made in haste, but only after spending much time in prayer, and receiving wise counsel from other godly men and women. A decision to pursue divorce should only be made after every Biblical means has been taken to achieve confession, repentance, forgiveness, and restoration of the marriage.”
Entire article: http://ldolphin.org/pornchurch.html
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I think 10+ years of suffering under your tyranny of narcissism has been enough for Marian. She needs to hold onto what sanity she has left, especially since she is the main parent to your kids. You’re not a victim. You’ve known since you became a Christian what your issues were. No one forces you to take computers with you everywhere or to stay in the computer business. I’m sure the Lord would be happy to provide for you and your family in a different area of business. Speaking of which, Christian ministry should not be approached or rendered out like a business. It is the overflow from time spent with the Lord, that is intimate and consists of regular fasting. Sex addicts loathe intimacy b/c it requires being emotionally vulnerable. The fact that your client was shocked doesn’t surprise me. You act like a strong Christian but you’ve never been this. The Lord won’t speak to you about new things, Dan, until you’ve obeyed the things he’s already spoken to you about. If you’re still doing the porn thing, trust me, he’s long gone. This is all your responsibility now. Thus, be a man and strip your life of that which ignites the temptation to do what you don’t want to do. Be hot or cold. Don’t ride the fence anymore. Then and only then will the Lord show up again in your life. Then and only then will you have the Holy Spirit dwell so deep in your heart that you’ll have clarity and wisdom. Then and only then will you understand that being a Christian is more than attending festivals, fellowshipping in bible studies, and doing computer work for other Christians.
Former Wife of a "Christian" Sex Addict said this on July 15, 2009 at 20:42
The reason I am so stern with you on this subject, Dan, is because look at my ex-husband and what happened to him. Sure, you can have an “ideal” life if you’re willing to renounce your faith in Jesus Christ and sell your soul to the devil (like he did). But think about how sad this is. Not a day goes by that I’m still not shocked by his choices. Because I can’t comprehend meeting Christ and then renouncing him. Sure, I totally self-destructed after our divorce, but the entire time I was out there doing so, I was internally a mess b/c I was not right with God and I knew it. But look at the ease in which he left God behind. That is what it looks like to have God give you over to yourself. He did what he said he was going to do – married a woman who didn’t have a problem with his normal male “habit”. So don’t get too down on yourself because you could be in a worse situation with God and I’m sorry if I sounded harsh. I just want you to realize that the next step to moving forward is figuring out what to do with your computer and setting up a new practical lifestyle where your day is planned out for you when you get up in the morning. Too much freedom for you and all sex-addicts is a bad thing. You need discipline and contraints. You need to learn how to sleep when the rest of the world sleeps! No staying up at night alone! And that’s okay to need an outline. Like I said, whatever it takes. In a few years after living like this, you’ll have more self-control and living the Christian life won’t be such a challenge. You’ll enjoy it even more b/c you’ll be closer to the heart of God b/c you got to spend time with him where you didn’t feel like crap.
Former Wife of a "Christian" Sex Addict said this on July 15, 2009 at 23:33