So I finally found a friend morbid enough to join me at The Sixth Sense Exhibit (“Now without skin”). What a challenge. We bought the 4:00 pm tickets. It took about 25 minutes to drive from Cumming to downtown Atlanta, about an hour for the last two miles of the drive, and I won’t talk about how long it took to park lest someone turn this post into a country song.

Add to that I never eat breakfast, skipped lunch because I was running late, and it took over an hour of waiting in line outside in the cold, uphill, both ways…point is, I was hungry by 6:30 when we finally made it inside the exhibit. As a result, I was less concerned about how naked and anatomically correct all these men are that donated their bodies to, uhmmm, science? Instead I noticed how much it looked like skeletons covered in steaks. So for those of you keeping track at home, you can now add “cannibalism” to the list of everything that’s wrong with me. No, I didn’t actually eat anyone, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit the thought crossed my mind. And yes, I did order steak when we finally got to the restaurant afterwards.

When I spend time in Tennessee, I am bombarded by people who know how to make me feel loved and appreciated.  I knew that whatever euphoria that I came home with wouldn’t last, but to be balling my eyes out not even 24 hours later?  I am pathetic.

I don’t feel comfortable being this transparent on Facebook, so I killed the account.  Honestly, I’m tempted to delete this blog too.  But instead I forced myself to post on how I’m feeling.  I’m not too keen on being fully transparent on here either though.  So I don’t know what else to write.

Nathaniel’s birthday is in a couple of days.  He seems to be taking this separation the hardest (or at least, is better at expressing it, Jared’s being the strong silent type).  It kills me to know that I can’t make it down to Florida to be there with him.

I’m up late because I had some work projects that I promised would be done by Monday.  But I stopped working a few hours ago.  Emotionally I’m just not up to it.

I don’t know how much power demonic forces have over what thoughts go through my head or what memories surface, but it feels like someone is inside my head and trying real hard to make recent convictions a distant and faded memory.

[Allen Morrell - Already In Your Arms]

It’s a question made popular by Andy Stanley via book and CD.  I’m not sure if they still do anymore, but North Point use to give out the sermon to any new visitors to their church.  It’s a great question and I think a great way to introduce the reality of sin to the unbeliever.  My mother for example believes that she’s a good person and has never been to jail, so she’s got a free pass to heaven, that she’s “good enough.”  That’s not quite what the Bible says, so questions that prompt her to realize that she has broken some of the 10 commandments and has definitely at times fallen short of God’s standards is a good way to hopefully communicate to her the need for a savior.

However, few Christians start to ponder or recognize the significance of this question after they are saved.

The lessons I’m learning from 180 Degrees Ministries are definitely challenging a lot of beliefs I have just accepted as true because of my upbringing in a christian school or church attendance.  Words like “sinner” and “mature christian” won’t ever have the same meaning for me as they did just a year ago.  And as the debate ensued in class over what is needed to experience freedom or be a “good” christian, the question, “How good is good enough” kept popping up in my mind, but for a completely different reason than in the past.

As a christian of 15+ years, and years of Awanas and christian schooling before then, my mind has Romans 3:23 engraved in it somewhere.  It is the answer to the question.  “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”…nobody is good enough.  But that’s not the whole truth.  I’m still adjusting to the idea myself, but the fact is, if you are born again, YOU are good enough!  Why doesn’t anybody ever memorize the rest of the passage?  It wasn’t until I was in my late 20’s that it ever occurred to me (via Steve Austin) that Romans 3:23 doesn’t have a period in it.  It doesn’t even begin with a capital letter for pete’s sake!  It’s a freakin’ fragment that doesn’t deserve being treated like a sentence.

This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

How good is good enough before I can have a deeper relationship with God?

How good is good enough before I can stop thinking of myself as nothing more than a porn addict and failure?

How long after I sin until the confidence in knowing that I’m still a Christian return?

How perfect do I need to be before I return to ministry?

How good is good enough?

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.  Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

I, Daniel George Koster, am good enough.  God has already given me everything I need for life and godliness.  As in now, already happened, what am I waiting for?

I can’t deny my past.  I have made poor choices and have hurt a lot of people.  I’ve pretty much destroyed my whole family.  But as I continue to post my thoughts here on what the Bible is telling me or return to the original purpose behind ReinforcingTheChurch.com, I’m not going to keep apologizing for it.  I am sorry.  I am repentant.  I don’t know whether or not I’ll succumb to the temptation of pornography again in the future.  But I’m learning to find my identity in how God sees me, in light of Christ’s redemption.  So I’m not going to add a disclaimer to every post.

I am good enough for a second chance.

The past week and a half has been challenging to me.  I know I won’t ellicit any sympathy since most of you work a steady job or go to school and have to wake up every day at the same time and make it work.  Well, I have never fit that mold.  If I weren’t self employed and had some flexibility on staying up late or sleeping in or whatever, I’d definitely get fired or live life miserably because my body does not like 24 hour cycles.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s sleep apnea since I can sleep for 8 hours (or more) and never feel rested, and I definitely snore.  And then there are times like now when I just can’t fall asleep regardless of how tired I am.  Other times I can be awake for 20 hours and still have enough energy to go on for hours without the faintest hint of feeling tired.  The more I think about what’s going on, the less I think it’s biological.

Today I wanted to go to sleep right away after returning from the class, but I had a few tasks that needed attention, and I did want to watch the Knight Rider premiere.  I still have two work projects that have to get done, but I was literally falling into “micro-naps” in the chair I was so exhausted.  So I delegated some work out and went to bed by 9:30.  It’s now 11:30 and I’m still awake.  No, the TV hasn’t been on.  Nor the iPod.  Just lying there, thinking about everything I’ve been learning in the Freedom Program, processing some emotions, and all kinds of other things going on in my head.  So now I’m back up, and may post an article or two that are on my mind.

I had a thought that I wanted to share here, but it was on a topic previously undiscussed so I had to make the previous two posts just to get to this one.

My heart breaks for those that are struggling with pornography in their lives because I know first hand how destructive it can be.  It’s a topic I discuss frequently with people and amazed at just how widespread this problem has become.  Thank you Internet. I know one guy that saw it as an acceptable compromise.  He was single and thought it as a “tool” to keep him from out of temptation and destructive relationships.  But the general consensus is to acknowledge it as sin and want to find a way out.

I have been thinking about ways that I can help others in this fight, but usually stop short for the reality that I haven’t exactly figured it out myself.  It seems the best I can do is be part of a small group with some guys on a journey as I learn how to be surrendered to God and accept his identity of sinlessness in my life.  I’m praying about that regularly to see what God wants from me in that department.

Reflecting on this today, I was struck with a fear that I hadn’t thought about before.  I know a guy named Steve Austin.  Incredible person and I wish you all could meet him.  His love for Christ and passion for helping others is contagious.  He is also a former crack addict.  But God intervened in his life and taught him about freedom from sin.  It is in knowing Steve that I have hope that addictions can be not only “controlled” but absolutely eliminated so that the Christ follower can leave a brand new life.

As Steve is mentoring me and I am focused on spending time with God and reading his Word, I am trusting that God will teach me to have the same life changing experience so that I can spread a message that there is freedom from porn addiction from personal experience.  That thought then made me realize that I am quite afraid of such an outcome, after all, if I have the same transformation that Steve had, I might then go into a full time ministry helping others with their addiction, as Steve has.  Not that it’s a bad thing, but never really high on my list of life’s desires.

The thought struck me as I was pondering life and I wonder if a fear of being transformed by God is keeping me from being transformed by God.

(The video isn’t exactly on topic, but the song is and I’m hoping this is a legal way to share it.  Probably not, so go buy it.  The description of the video is “The faces of just some of the people Jesus Christ died for.”)

As alluded to in the previous post, I’m going to start discussing a topic I have been avoiding for quite some time.  It’s not that I’ve ever shied away from discussing pornography with anyone, I’ve just been uncertain on whether or not I wanted Google in on the discussion.

I haven’t exactly been bragging to my clients about how my wife and I are separated.  But the other day I was at one of my client’s home and we were talking about family, church, and life in general and I confided that my marriage has been struggling and we’re currently separated.  He was quite shocked and asked probing questions because he thought Marian and I were strong Christians and was curious how she could even be considering a divorce.  The fact is, Marian believes that pornography = adultery = divorce OK.  (I don’t agree with this and may expound on this in a future post).

Everyone who reads this blog because you know me and Marian haven’t learned anything new here, but to those who found me through more random means, now you know more about why Marian and I have been separated and why I’ve been posting about Job and other topics while still being somewhat vague. And just for you, here’s the short bio relative to this topic.

I discovered pornography at an extremely young age [no] thanks to family members.  I shared my find with a close friend who then taught me about masturbation because I wasn’t smart enough to think of such things on my own.  That started an addiction that I have never been able to control long before my marriage, long before puberty even.

I imagine this is no huge revelation to people.  Most of the guys I’ve talked to are struggling with the same problem and most of the women I know assume this about every guy.  Even so, it’s funny how little people ever want to talk about it (myself included).  Then there are those like xxxchurch.org that I think talk a bit too much about it and seem to be rather obsessive.

But anyway, secret is out and I will be sharing more along the lines of what God is doing in my life and how he is bringing me to victory over all sin and into a transformed and sin free life.

There are many topics that I don’t share on this blog or have been afraid to post because the Internet never forgets.  Thanks to sites like webarchive.org and the caches that search engines make publicly available, I can delete a post but I can never take it back.

And search engines are a funny thing.  I can write “I am not a homicidal maniac”, and from now on people can research homicidal maniacs and they are going to find my site.  So just by talking about something, I’m creating an association and giving people a first impression of me that may have nothing to do with who I am or what I am like.

And this is why I apologize to any that share my name.  The one who makes knives seems to be pretty popular as he is still the number 1 Google hit and I assume that all those people that are specifically searching my name are looking for him.  And from now on, Google is going to be summarizing us as a knife maker, graphic designer, doctor, homicidal maniac, and porn addict.  Sorry.

This week I’ve been listening to some more of John Eldredge and got to the chapters on how a church small group is supposed to look like (and why most churches fail at this).  My church does a pretty good job at small group ministries, but I’m having a hard time figuring out where I belong anymore.  So in the spirit of seeking fellowship, I visited a church slightly smaller than North Point where I have been a regular attender for quite some time.  By smaller, I mean the entire building is slightly smaller than one of the children’s rooms where I used to volunteer.

I knew I’d be recognized as a “new visitor” at this place, and normally I avoid such attention, but this time I was intentionally seeking it.  Kind of.  I still did my normal routine of hiding in a corner somewhere and waiting for people to come to me instead of actively seeking out to talk to others.  Why did everybody ask, “Is this your first time here?” when they already know the answer anyway?  “No, I was hiding under the information table last week.”

I’m not sure where I’ll find myself next Sunday.  I mean, can I really stop attending a church that produces stuff like this on a regular basis:

Job said at one point, “When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions.”

I have been having quite a few vivid dreams and still don’t know what to make of them or if God is trying to relay some message through them.

Recently, I dreamed that Marian and I were together at some kind of office or government building to sign some paperwork.  When Marian had noticed the clerk write down, “Marian Koster”, she corrected the clerk and gave her pre-marriage name.

Clerk: “But your driver’s license says Koster, that’s what I need to have on the documentation.”

Marian: “I’m fixing my driver’s license first thing tomorrow, I’m not a Koster anymore.”

The argument ensued because the clerk suggested coming back after the driver’s license was corrected and Marian wasn’t going to tolerate the name for even a minute longer.

It’s just a dream right?  I’m sure it was as Marian and I have been over 500 miles apart for some time.  But it felt so real that I had the emotional sadness and grief sit with me for days afterwords.  Even now I can’t help but wonder how much of that sits within her heart.

I also recently had another dream about losing the motorcycle.  This time I wasn’t on it, I went into a store and when I came back out to the parking lot, I found it vandalized and nearly completely destroyed.

One of the disadvantages to using a motorcycle as a primary vehicle (besides bad weather) is not being able to look at or really use my phone.  This is particularly frustrating when my travel time is an hour or more, which unfortunately isn’t a rare event in the Atlanta area.  But apparently there is a solution.  I just need to practice.