But it seems hard to accept.  I suspect brain damage.

I know someone who believes in me, who sees me as the beneficiary of God’s master plan and complex design, who knows the greatest of sins of my past but can see the good that defines me.

I know someone who is ashamed of me, who sees the sins of my past and wants to stay as far away as possible, who assumes the worst when they do not understand my motives or actions, who doesn’t feel as though I’ve yet experienced enough shame and condemnation.

I know the difference between a truth and a lie.  But the lies feel so much more real.

Once upon a time there was a boy whom God was especially fond of.  And he loved God, had a faith that empowered him to do great things and no one could doubt where his strength comes from.  During his teen years and early twenties life probably couldn’t get any better.

But the rest of his story sounds like something Lemony Snicket would write.  The father of his closest friend started to hate him, seeing him as a goody-two-shoes or whatever.  His friend couldn’t even say goodbye in person, but sent a messenger to relay the message, “Yes my father is trying to kill you, RUN” and they never saw each other again.

But this was a man after God’s own heart and probably wasn’t too discouraged.  Circumstances rewarded his faith and he got pretty much whatever his heart wanted.  Unfortunately his heart wanted another man’s wife.  He got what he wanted and killed the guy who stood in his way.  His life was pretty much downhill from there.  He didn’t get away with it for too long.  He was genuinely sorry for his sin and even today people point to his example of what repentance should look like.

But the people pointing to his example usually leave off the part about how many more women he slept with after his repentance.  His son raped his daughter.  His other son killed the rapist son and years later publicly humiliated his father by sleeping with dad’s girlfriends, er, publicly.

The sanest of his sons wasn’t greedy or violent by any means.  But he was a sex addict.  Actually that would be an understatement.  Based on the numbers, he probably makes modern day sex addicts look downright monogamous. David, whose “heart was fully devoted to the Lord his God.”  Solomon, billed as the wisest man on earth.  Father and son.

I still can’t fully grasp why God made sex and the male mind the way he did.  For many it is an absolutely beautiful thing.  But for others, even those who have such a genuine love for God, it is such a curse that destroys families across generations.  Is there hope for someone hit by such a curse to turn things around?

I couldn’t help but continue reading Peter’s words that I started quoting in the previous post.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.

Self-control would have been the answer to all my problems.  A little self-control could have doubled or tripled my income.  Self-control might have saved my marriage.  I have prayed so many times, “God, if self-control is a fruit of the spirit and your spirit lives inside of me, why won’t you grant me self-control.”

I can’t understand all the complexities that goes into how God does things.  But the past year God has put a process into my life to add to my faith and goodness a lot of knowledge.  It seems to me that self-control is next in line.

For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

What a terrible thing to forget.

It’s a question made popular by Andy Stanley via book and CD.  I’m not sure if they still do anymore, but North Point use to give out the sermon to any new visitors to their church.  It’s a great question and I think a great way to introduce the reality of sin to the unbeliever.  My mother for example believes that she’s a good person and has never been to jail, so she’s got a free pass to heaven, that she’s “good enough.”  That’s not quite what the Bible says, so questions that prompt her to realize that she has broken some of the 10 commandments and has definitely at times fallen short of God’s standards is a good way to hopefully communicate to her the need for a savior.

However, few Christians start to ponder or recognize the significance of this question after they are saved.

The lessons I’m learning from 180 Degrees Ministries are definitely challenging a lot of beliefs I have just accepted as true because of my upbringing in a christian school or church attendance.  Words like “sinner” and “mature christian” won’t ever have the same meaning for me as they did just a year ago.  And as the debate ensued in class over what is needed to experience freedom or be a “good” christian, the question, “How good is good enough” kept popping up in my mind, but for a completely different reason than in the past.

As a christian of 15+ years, and years of Awanas and christian schooling before then, my mind has Romans 3:23 engraved in it somewhere.  It is the answer to the question.  “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”…nobody is good enough.  But that’s not the whole truth.  I’m still adjusting to the idea myself, but the fact is, if you are born again, YOU are good enough!  Why doesn’t anybody ever memorize the rest of the passage?  It wasn’t until I was in my late 20’s that it ever occurred to me (via Steve Austin) that Romans 3:23 doesn’t have a period in it.  It doesn’t even begin with a capital letter for pete’s sake!  It’s a freakin’ fragment that doesn’t deserve being treated like a sentence.

This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

How good is good enough before I can have a deeper relationship with God?

How good is good enough before I can stop thinking of myself as nothing more than a porn addict and failure?

How long after I sin until the confidence in knowing that I’m still a Christian return?

How perfect do I need to be before I return to ministry?

How good is good enough?

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.  Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

I, Daniel George Koster, am good enough.  God has already given me everything I need for life and godliness.  As in now, already happened, what am I waiting for?

I can’t deny my past.  I have made poor choices and have hurt a lot of people.  I’ve pretty much destroyed my whole family.  But as I continue to post my thoughts here on what the Bible is telling me or return to the original purpose behind ReinforcingTheChurch.com, I’m not going to keep apologizing for it.  I am sorry.  I am repentant.  I don’t know whether or not I’ll succumb to the temptation of pornography again in the future.  But I’m learning to find my identity in how God sees me, in light of Christ’s redemption.  So I’m not going to add a disclaimer to every post.

I am good enough for a second chance.

I had a thought that I wanted to share here, but it was on a topic previously undiscussed so I had to make the previous two posts just to get to this one.

My heart breaks for those that are struggling with pornography in their lives because I know first hand how destructive it can be.  It’s a topic I discuss frequently with people and amazed at just how widespread this problem has become.  Thank you Internet. I know one guy that saw it as an acceptable compromise.  He was single and thought it as a “tool” to keep him from out of temptation and destructive relationships.  But the general consensus is to acknowledge it as sin and want to find a way out.

I have been thinking about ways that I can help others in this fight, but usually stop short for the reality that I haven’t exactly figured it out myself.  It seems the best I can do is be part of a small group with some guys on a journey as I learn how to be surrendered to God and accept his identity of sinlessness in my life.  I’m praying about that regularly to see what God wants from me in that department.

Reflecting on this today, I was struck with a fear that I hadn’t thought about before.  I know a guy named Steve Austin.  Incredible person and I wish you all could meet him.  His love for Christ and passion for helping others is contagious.  He is also a former crack addict.  But God intervened in his life and taught him about freedom from sin.  It is in knowing Steve that I have hope that addictions can be not only “controlled” but absolutely eliminated so that the Christ follower can leave a brand new life.

As Steve is mentoring me and I am focused on spending time with God and reading his Word, I am trusting that God will teach me to have the same life changing experience so that I can spread a message that there is freedom from porn addiction from personal experience.  That thought then made me realize that I am quite afraid of such an outcome, after all, if I have the same transformation that Steve had, I might then go into a full time ministry helping others with their addiction, as Steve has.  Not that it’s a bad thing, but never really high on my list of life’s desires.

The thought struck me as I was pondering life and I wonder if a fear of being transformed by God is keeping me from being transformed by God.

(The video isn’t exactly on topic, but the song is and I’m hoping this is a legal way to share it.  Probably not, so go buy it.  The description of the video is “The faces of just some of the people Jesus Christ died for.”)

As alluded to in the previous post, I’m going to start discussing a topic I have been avoiding for quite some time.  It’s not that I’ve ever shied away from discussing pornography with anyone, I’ve just been uncertain on whether or not I wanted Google in on the discussion.

I haven’t exactly been bragging to my clients about how my wife and I are separated.  But the other day I was at one of my client’s home and we were talking about family, church, and life in general and I confided that my marriage has been struggling and we’re currently separated.  He was quite shocked and asked probing questions because he thought Marian and I were strong Christians and was curious how she could even be considering a divorce.  The fact is, Marian believes that pornography = adultery = divorce OK.  (I don’t agree with this and may expound on this in a future post).

Everyone who reads this blog because you know me and Marian haven’t learned anything new here, but to those who found me through more random means, now you know more about why Marian and I have been separated and why I’ve been posting about Job and other topics while still being somewhat vague. And just for you, here’s the short bio relative to this topic.

I discovered pornography at an extremely young age [no] thanks to family members.  I shared my find with a close friend who then taught me about masturbation because I wasn’t smart enough to think of such things on my own.  That started an addiction that I have never been able to control long before my marriage, long before puberty even.

I imagine this is no huge revelation to people.  Most of the guys I’ve talked to are struggling with the same problem and most of the women I know assume this about every guy.  Even so, it’s funny how little people ever want to talk about it (myself included).  Then there are those like xxxchurch.org that I think talk a bit too much about it and seem to be rather obsessive.

But anyway, secret is out and I will be sharing more along the lines of what God is doing in my life and how he is bringing me to victory over all sin and into a transformed and sin free life.

Following John Eldredge’s advice, I have not been following any kind of Bible reading plan, but instead asking God to show me what to read and making the best effort to open the passage He is guiding me towards.  It was hours after dreaming about Marian completely disowning me when I found myself in the book of Job and reading the entire book, several times now since then.

The biggest question I have is, how can Job claim to be completely sinless?  Did he never disobey or lie to his parents?  Was he an exception to the rule like Catholics believe about Mary?

Or is this a forshadowing of the promises of the New Testament?  There are specific passages that are parrallel’s to Christ, one has to wonder how it could have been written hundreds of years before Jesus’ birth.

We do know that Job was faithful in presenting burnt offerings, presumably for himself, and he gave offerings on behalf of his children, “just in case they needed it“.

I think the real message isn’t that Job never sinned, but because of his repentance and relationship with God, he knew he was forgiven and truly blameless and righteous.

That’s the lesson I’m trying to get from my head to my heart.  It is the core teaching and values that drive 180 Degrees Ministries that has freed hundreds of people from addictions and transformed lives into new and burden free relationships with the father.

My first excerpts from Job I can easily repeat back and identify with those words.  I do wish I had just never been born, I am being tormented even in my dreams, and many of the words spoken by well meaning people have been bitter pills to swallow and impossible to believe.

My more recent quoting I said are the parts I gloss over.  I can read them, but it hard to accept as relevant.  I can’t claim to have faithfully upheld a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully.  So while I can identify with Job’s agony in many ways, I don’t feel blameless or claim the circumstances are undeserved.

But I am forgiven.  Christ lives in me and presents himself before the father on my behalf so that I am blameless and worthy to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.  I know this to be true, but the idea really hasn’t taken root and still doesn’t shape my life the way I wish it would.

I have these moments where I do spend hours in the Word of God, or have taken long multi-mile walks just praying and seeking after God.  Sometimes I go days with this new life and am living as if I’m free.  Other times I can spend time with God and hours later give up on the idea and live life the way I always have.

When my life first turned upside down a few months ago, my strongest prayer request that I repeated multiple times a day was for mercy from the consequences I know I deserve and for my family to be reunited.  I haven’t prayed that prayer in about a month now.

My only request now is to be transformed to live life as a slave to Christ.  I have declared and spoken many times that I surrender my life and want to pursue God’s will, but I still undo that promise and pursue my own desires on a regular basis.  One person who has gone through 180’s Freedom Program has tried relaying the teaching to me, that there isn’t anything I have to “do” in order to be transformed and that it isn’t my responsibility.  That same person has also accused me of being unrepentant and made it clear that I’m not “doing” enough.  I am so confused.  I’m struggling with what to believe, particularly in regards to any hope for the future.

The Bible is an amazing collection of books.  I’ve met some smart Bible scholars who believe the story of Job was a work of fiction, a script for a play perhaps.  I don’t know about that, but I know it fits in perfectly with the story of Christ and redemption even though it was written at a time so long before the Word became Flesh.

It was time to get something new from my Audible subscription and I was having a hard time deciding to go with some mindless fiction, mindful fiction, or something nonfiction.  I noticed the latest John Eldredge book in the recommendations and figured I’d go for it.

Walking with God by John Eldredge

You know how sometimes you go to church and it is as if the sermon was custom written for you specifically?  That’s exactly how this book is turning out, every chapter I’ve heard so far has been specifically speaking to my recent circumstances.  It is amazing how God works!

This past week I had made some plans with a close friend and I thought God was orchestrating it. He was definitely involved, but he arranged for my plans to completely change and be completely out of my control.
Not being where I wanted to be, I spent extra time in the Word of God, and I feel like God was finally helping me connect the dots between what I have always grown up believing and what true freedom looks like (as 180 Degrees Ministries and others have tried teaching me).
When I’ve read 1 John 3:6 in the past, “No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.”, I’ve always felt guilty. I thought I knew Jesus and was saved, but I also knew I wasn’t perfect and I’ve questioned whether I was truly saved or just fooling myself.
But I’ve never put passages like that into context with other verses such as that which follows shortly after:

This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us.

I’m not sure how to explain how this alone gives me such a sense of freedom. I looked at verse 6 and saw myself guilty, but verses 19-23 say that the command that matters is believing in the name of Jesus Christ and loving one another. Okay, maybe my sins weren’t exactly loving one another, but I feel like this is within reach, whereas verse 6 felt out of reach. And now that I have this new confidence, I can go back and read Romans and feel a new sense of freedom and hope, because I do not have to be a slave to sin anymore and I can live by the spirit!

As I’m listening to random music while trying to fall asleep, I was struck with questions.
During the years I volunteered at River Oaks Community Church, I kept recordings of all the music and have it all on my iPod. At random a song from the service right after the events of 9/11/01 came up and I was thinking about how almost every church in the US had to scramble to come up with a new sermon and in most cases new music selection. Then my thoughts turned to how well planned and organized everything is at North Point. I once heard it said that NP doesn’t believe in last minute changes because the Holy Spirit can work in the planning process (this stemmed from a discussion about worship leaders who are “led by the Spirit” and make changes live in the middle of a service).
So now I’m thinking, how does the Holy Spirit work?

• Were the leaders who made changes because of 9/11 not receptive to the Spirit beforehand?

• Did God deceive them? “Yeah sorry for all those fake ideas last week, I didn’t want you to panic. So now let’s work on the real plans for this weekend.”

• If the Spirit is involved in the planning process weeks in advance, wouldn’t major events be taken into consideration before they happen? “I was thinking this would be a 4 week series, but I feel the Holy Spirt telling me to cut it off at third week and address why God allows bad things to happen the following week.”

• Is the Holy Ghost even involved when we select the songs or sermon topics coming up? Maybe it is a gift from God to be have an ability to pick the right songs or topics when we simply follow our own hearts (that were transformed by the Spirit long ago). “That song really touched me in light of what’s been going on this week.” “Thanks, that must be why the Spirit told me to play it this week.” “Thanks, I just heard it on the latest Passion tour and told the worship team we have got to do that song as soon as we figure out the chords.”

• Is the Spirit prompting me to post this?

• Is the Spirit going to encourage me to read Luke 12:10 after I finish publishing this?