Now I finally understand why there was a baby floating in space in that other film.

This song has been stuck in my head since the first time I’ve heard it. So I paid the $0.99 to have it on my iPod and it didn’t take long to make it to my “Top 25 Most Played”, usually dominated by Newsboys and Charlie Hall. If I had anyone romantically involved in my life right now I would definitely dedicate this song to her, after all, I always bought my girl the 2-ply.

And the underwear at Goodwill is nice!

Mr. Yankovic, your lyrics are awesome and your music has always been able to lift my spirits. Thanks!

So I finally found a friend morbid enough to join me at The Sixth Sense Exhibit (”Now without skin”). What a challenge. We bought the 4:00 pm tickets. It took about 25 minutes to drive from Cumming to downtown Atlanta, about an hour for the last two miles of the drive, and I won’t talk about how long it took to park lest someone turn this post into a country song.

Add to that I never eat breakfast, skipped lunch because I was running late, and it took over an hour of waiting in line outside in the cold, uphill, both ways…point is, I was hungry by 6:30 when we finally made it inside the exhibit. As a result, I was less concerned about how naked and anatomically correct all these men are that donated their bodies to, uhmmm, science? Instead I noticed how much it looked like skeletons covered in steaks. So for those of you keeping track at home, you can now add “cannibalism” to the list of everything that’s wrong with me. No, I didn’t actually eat anyone, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit the thought crossed my mind. And yes, I did order steak when we finally got to the restaurant afterwards.

But it seems hard to accept.  I suspect brain damage.

I know someone who believes in me, who sees me as the beneficiary of God’s master plan and complex design, who knows the greatest of sins of my past but can see the good that defines me.

I know someone who is ashamed of me, who sees the sins of my past and wants to stay as far away as possible, who assumes the worst when they do not understand my motives or actions, who doesn’t feel as though I’ve yet experienced enough shame and condemnation.

I know the difference between a truth and a lie.  But the lies feel so much more real.

I’m writing this with my eyes closed, so I apologize for any typos or errors.  Or maybe there won’t be any because I won’t see when I’ve accidentally clicked to another window and am typing for nothing.

My blog stats are at 0 now. I shut down the blog earlier and told no one that it is back. I deleted many posts, and I disabled search engines from indexing the site. Any friends and family that used to read this assume it’s still gone and haven’t read the most recent posts (or they’ve gone through the effort to keep WordPress from logging their visits, as my stats are literally showing 0 visits). All this to say, I have no idea why I’m posting at all. You are probably reading this weeks or years after the fact. And if you are still reading, you probably have too much free time, get back to work!

God is so incredible.  Want proof?  Watch this vid:

http://iamsecond.com/#/seconds/Nate_Larkin/

I am adding iamsecond.com to my links list.

Thanks Anthony Coppedge

Once upon a time there was a boy whom God was especially fond of.  And he loved God, had a faith that empowered him to do great things and no one could doubt where his strength comes from.  During his teen years and early twenties life probably couldn’t get any better.

But the rest of his story sounds like something Lemony Snicket would write.  The father of his closest friend started to hate him, seeing him as a goody-two-shoes or whatever.  His friend couldn’t even say goodbye in person, but sent a messenger to relay the message, “Yes my father is trying to kill you, RUN” and they never saw each other again.

But this was a man after God’s own heart and probably wasn’t too discouraged.  Circumstances rewarded his faith and he got pretty much whatever his heart wanted.  Unfortunately his heart wanted another man’s wife.  He got what he wanted and killed the guy who stood in his way.  His life was pretty much downhill from there.  He didn’t get away with it for too long.  He was genuinely sorry for his sin and even today people point to his example of what repentance should look like.

But the people pointing to his example usually leave off the part about how many more women he slept with after his repentance.  His son raped his daughter.  His other son killed the rapist son and years later publicly humiliated his father by sleeping with dad’s girlfriends, er, publicly.

The sanest of his sons wasn’t greedy or violent by any means.  But he was a sex addict.  Actually that would be an understatement.  Based on the numbers, he probably makes modern day sex addicts look downright monogamous. David, whose “heart was fully devoted to the Lord his God.”  Solomon, billed as the wisest man on earth.  Father and son.

I still can’t fully grasp why God made sex and the male mind the way he did.  For many it is an absolutely beautiful thing.  But for others, even those who have such a genuine love for God, it is such a curse that destroys families across generations.  Is there hope for someone hit by such a curse to turn things around?

When I spend time in Tennessee, I am bombarded by people who know how to make me feel loved and appreciated.  I knew that whatever euphoria that I came home with wouldn’t last, but to be balling my eyes out not even 24 hours later?  I am pathetic.

I don’t feel comfortable being this transparent on Facebook, so I killed the account.  Honestly, I’m tempted to delete this blog too.  But instead I forced myself to post on how I’m feeling.  I’m not too keen on being fully transparent on here either though.  So I don’t know what else to write.

Nathaniel’s birthday is in a couple of days.  He seems to be taking this separation the hardest (or at least, is better at expressing it, Jared’s being the strong silent type).  It kills me to know that I can’t make it down to Florida to be there with him.

I’m up late because I had some work projects that I promised would be done by Monday.  But I stopped working a few hours ago.  Emotionally I’m just not up to it.

I don’t know how much power demonic forces have over what thoughts go through my head or what memories surface, but it feels like someone is inside my head and trying real hard to make recent convictions a distant and faded memory.

[Allen Morrell - Already In Your Arms]

I couldn’t help but continue reading Peter’s words that I started quoting in the previous post.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.

Self-control would have been the answer to all my problems.  A little self-control could have doubled or tripled my income.  Self-control might have saved my marriage.  I have prayed so many times, “God, if self-control is a fruit of the spirit and your spirit lives inside of me, why won’t you grant me self-control.”

I can’t understand all the complexities that goes into how God does things.  But the past year God has put a process into my life to add to my faith and goodness a lot of knowledge.  It seems to me that self-control is next in line.

For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

What a terrible thing to forget.